My shoe came untied 3 times walking to class this morning. I was actually worried that one of my shoes was going to come untied, but I thought it was going to be the other shoe. The first time I slowly stopped walking and tied it in the parking lot. The second time I again slowly stopped, but this time I made sure to tie the knot tighter. By the third time I continued walking just staring at my shoe. (I am sure it was one of those moments where everyone around me thought I was strange.) Maybe none of you care about my untied shoe, even though they are one of my favorite pairs. This shoe repetition got me thinking. I feel like this. I am tired of tying my shoe.

At the end, I want to quit

This past weekend I did not turn in a test for one of my online classes. This is definitely out of character for me. I plan. I am responsible. My life is put together and I manage my time well. Sometimes I feel like it is no longer hard for me to do the right thing. Until this weekend. I did the wrong thing. It was not about being too busy or forgetting or not knowing the information. This was an easy class. I purposely set aside time for this test. I just didn’t do it. And to be honest, I didn’t care.

On the day the test was due I did an average job. It was an essay test, so I wrote out simple answers. My plan was to turn it in, but I was not stressing about it. I missed the turn in time by 10 seconds. I am not lying. Seriously, it was by 10 seconds. Some people would have been livid had this happen to them (in fact one of my classmates was). Again, I didn’t care.

Apathy. I feel that coming in. I am tired of tying my shoe. School is a hoop that I have to jump through, but I don’t want to jump anymore. I have three weeks left and I will never have to do this again. Part of me still just wants to quit. I went to bed last night knowing I should have cared about that test, but concerned that I did not care at all. When I woke up this morning I wanted to give up.

There is something else that I have not been doing that is worth noting here. My Bible, the Word of God, my favorite possession has not been opened in weeks. I’ll read a few verses here and there on my app, but it is nothing like I know I should be doing. But again, I didn’t care.

Just keep going

Today, while I was praying, I was reminded about God saying “I am who I am”. God is always there when I am doing well. I never doubt that. He loves me and I give Him praise for everything good in my life. When I mess up, His love is harder for me to accept. Grace. It feels like a kind and gentle stab with a knife. I am messing with my future in a negative way, but He still loves me. He is not going to leave and be mad. I feel unworthy. Humility stings. When I don’t care, I remember He does.

After walking a ways down the sidewalk staring at my untied shoe I stopped. I stopped right in front of my classroom. My shoe needed tied even if I did not feel like tying it. I need to work hard and finish my classes even if I do not feel like it.

God, I love you. There is no way I could be anything without you. I gave my heart and life to you, and I have never regretted it. In every area of my life I want to work hard as if I were working only for You. I am sorry for my negative and bratty actions. My choices lately have not been honoring You the way they should. I wish I could be perfect for You, so I will keep trying. Your grace still blows my mind. I am so grateful that You love me. My words can’t express how much. You still have my life. Lead me and continue to teach me. Amen.